I'm back in the Philippines. This is my second trip and I still feel awkward as ever. I was born here 24 years ago. I even went to school here until I was 4.
Here I am back at home. Back to the place I was born, and I'm as quiet as ever. I don't talk much. Not for lack of things to say or talk about. Well actually for lack of things to say. It's the lack of things to say in Tagalog in Ilocano.
Tagalog was the first language I ever learned to read and write, and here I am 19 years later not knowing how to form a sentence. I can understand the words and I can say one or two word phrases. O po, hindi po, isa lang, ako lang, and my favorite pero hindi. Even my understanding of the language is sketch. I have to divert all my attention to the words otherwise I lose it. In a sea of conversations, laughter and noise I drown in incoherence and I struggle until someone throws me a life raft known as English.
Just when I think I have a grasp on the language and get confident enough to speak I stutter and mispronounce myself into regression. My confidence just took a wrong left and decided to stay lost. My uncle says in tagalog "It's good you still speak the language," after I replied "O po." (respectful way to say yes) My confidence swells and I reply "Na ka ka inasjdnkansdnadnkad," and jumble my words. He replies, "Huh?" I say nothing. My attempt to say I understand was completely FUBAR and I give up.
It didn't really help that earlier last week my mom dictated a message for me to text someone. I tried as best as I could to type what she said. I showed her the message and she promptly laughed. What the fuck? I thought.
I need to keep trying, but this frustration is ridiculous. I attempted to buy a phone card today. "Meron ka yo ng Globe na load?" nope that one didn't work either. It went more like "asdasdadad Globe?"
I've got two weeks before I leave this place. Maybe I'll actually have a conversation.
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2 comments:
Where's the photos?
very well written, bro. its kind of sad how our generation of filipino americans get disconnected form the culture simply because we don't know the language. when i went back couple years ago, i felt the same, kinda guilty about not knowing the language my parents speak. even now, taking classes isn't enough because we don't use it in our everyday lives.
keep trying and don't get discouraged, you can only learn a new language by speaking it. =)
glad you're having a good time, send some pictures!
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